How to Succeed in Business
by David Ginsberg
Summary: Sequel to Everlong and Changing the Answers; Follows Shawn as he gets a new job.
1. Chapter 1

Having successfully talked to every girl on his floor, Jack packed up his beach chair and went inside. Shawn was by the computer with a stack of books.

"Whatcha working on?"

"A story about a high school kid who starts taking college classes to meet girls."

"Ah."

"Wacky hijinks ensue. Hey, does Eric know his copy of Nietzsche is in German?"

At that point Eric walked back out, having just refreshed his makeup.

"Hey, Eric," Jack called, "wussten Sie, dass dies die ursprüngliche deutsche Version war?"

"Die goopty hoop now?" Eric looked over to Shawn, who held up a copy of the book.

"Is that my textbook?"

Shawn threw the book towards him. "Ja, du hättest vielleicht gewollt, dass du die Übersetzung bestellt hast, bevor du dafür bezahlt hast."

"Huh?"

"Check the language before you pay for something."

"When did you guys learn Swedish?"

"When my step-dad bought a Volvo," Jack said, "what does that have to do with anything?"

"Everybody in the Hunter family is a language savant," Shawn explained to Eric, "Dad had this waitress convinced he was a CIA agent for a couple of years."

Jack grimaced. "That came from your Dad?"

"Yeah, speaking of Dad," Shawn walked over to Eric, "You'll be a lot better off if you tell them you have to get to the hospital because your wife's in labor. You just have to detour to a hospital and then go inside for a few minutes."

"It's not a traffic ticket," Jack explained, "he's rushing a fraternity."

"Huh, good luck with that."

"Thanks." Eric turned around and stumbled out of the apartment.

"Hey, if you don't want your hosiery to bunch up you've gotta…" Shawn realized that Eric wasn't listening. "Suit yourself."

"Hosiery?" Jack asked skeptically.

"Cory."

"Ah. Speaking of Cory, how's you guys' work-study thing going?"

Shawn began pulling cash out of his wallet, "I got promoted, and they're actually paying me."

"Hey, that's great. What's your new job?"

"I'm a demographic consultant."

"What's that?"

"Basically they run their stuff by me to see if it appeals to teenagers."

"Does it?"

Shawn made a face "These people have _noooo_ idea what the hell they're doing. Everything is kooky misspellings and backwards baseball caps."

"Sounds bad."

"I keep thinking someone's gonna jump out and tell me to say no to drugs. Anyway, this covers my share of the rent, right?"

"You don't need to worry about that, go out and buy yourself something fun."

"Already did, see this shirt?"

"Yeah."

 _"The Gap."_

"Look at you, big spender." Jack threw the money back at him. "Stick this in your college fund."

Shawn smiled. "Thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

"See, IBM's slogan is Think, right?"

"Right"

"So what's the difference between Apple people and IBM people?"

"Apple people think…different."

"Exactly, so we run an ad campaign with these iconoclastic figures, you know, Frank Lloyd Wright, John Lennon, Richard Branson…"

A receptionist cut in. "Excuse me, there's a Mr. Hunter here to see Mr. Hunter."

"Uh…that must be a family issue, I'll be right back."

Shawn followed the receptionist out to the hallway. His heart rose in his chest when he saw his father, and then sank back to Earth when he got close enough to smell the whiskey.

"Slim Jim!" Chet crushed his son in a bear hug.

"What a surprise!" Shawn tried not to let his voice betray his embarrassment.

"Well, looks like you got yerself a nice fancy office job. Hey, why don't we go out to lunch to celebrate."

"Well, I'm kind of in a meeting right now. But we can get dinner sometime if you're going to be in town for a while."

"Well, uh, between you and me, I was hoping you'd spot me some cash for the tolls. I've got a job offer in Poughkeepsie."

"Sure, how much do you need."

"30 ought to cover it."

Shawn knew very well that 30 was plenty to cover the tolls and one for the road, but he also knew he needed to get his father out of the building, fast.

"Let's see, all I've got's 20s."

"Well, I'll take 40 if it's not too much trouble."

"Not at all." Actually, it meant that Shawn would have to skip lunch. "See you around, Dad."

"See you around, Slim Jim."

When he was sure that his father had made it to the elevator, Shawn sighed and went back into the meeting. It actually went well; Mr. Jobs seemed to like his idea for the ad campaign, and no one mentioned him being called out.

After the meeting, Shawn went home, put on a Counting Crows CD, and started working on his next story for Turner's class. It was about a guy who realized he'd fallen in love with an unknown girl whose purse he found in the subway. Shawn kept picturing himself as the guy and Angela Moore as the girl.

He'd just finished up when Jack walked in.

"How'd the presentation go?"

"Good, so, um…I ran into Dad today."

"Where?"

"At work," Shawn saw Jack's face darken, "Relax, he just needed forty bucks for tolls."

"Forty bucks! Where's he going?"

"When Dad says he needs money for tolls, he really means he needs money for booze on the way."

"Father of the frickin' year."

"Hey, he's your dad too."

"Don't remind me. Speaking of which, I don't act like him, do I?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, mannerisms, figures of speech, that sort of thing."

"No." Shawn supposed this would make an interesting case study of nature versus nurture, but wasn't interested in pressing the issue any further with Jack.

"Hey, Eric's having a party Saturday."

"Is this for the frat he's rushing?"

"No, he stopped rushing, but now he's somehow managed to convince his dean that he started his own frat. I'm supposed to wrangle the cast of the Love Boat."

"Huh, good luck with that."

"Yeah, anyway, you should bring someone."


	3. Chapter 3

The party was interrupted when Eric's dean burst down the door. Apparently there Pennbrook had a policy against throwing parties; although the dean didn't seem to realize that Jack wasn't actually a student at Pennbrook. Instinctively, Shawn led Angela out to the balcony and up the fire escape to the roof. The late-September air was just warm enough to be comfortable. They could vaguely make out Jack chewing out the dean for trespassing in a private apartment.

"So, I guess now you'll have a great worst first date story."

"Don't worry, Libby set me up with that football player, Gary last week."

"Ah, yes, I remember Gary."

"Wait, Gary went out with a guy?"

"He didn't realize it. If he gets a second date, ask him if he remembers Veronica Wasboiski."

Angela laughed, unwittingly causing Shawn's heart to skip a beat. "You'll have to tell me the story sometime."

"It involves Cory."

"Another film class project?"

"This time it was in the school paper. He had a humor column, and it turns out his sense of humor doesn't translate to print, and Feeny happened to be teaching _Black Like Me,_ so…"

"So if Cory had the humor column, how come you ended up…"

"Cory was our waitress."

"I kind of want to see that edition of the paper now."

"I'm afraid Feeny had it taken out of the back catalogue."

"So who was your last date?"

"Let's see, the last date was Wendy the theater major."

"You dated a college girl?"

"Until she found out how old I was. Before her was Sherri."

"What happened to Sherri?"

"I left that cult."

"You know, I never actually overheard the story about the cult."

"There isn't much to tell. They were nice without expecting anything in return or prying into my personal life, and I thought I needed that. Cory and his parents rescued me, I found Jesus for about six weeks, and then gave that up when I read up on involuntary motor tremors. That's about when I moved in with Jack." Shawn didn't feel it necessary to explain the circumstances of the move just yet.

"I knew Cory must be good for something."

"He's good for a lot of things." Shawn drained his beer. "What time do you need to be home?"

"No special time."

"You sure your parents won't get mad?"

"I live with my sister, she's pretty cool."

"You owe me an invitation to her next fraternity party."

"You're out of luck, it's a women's college."

It had gotten a little colder, and Angela found herself huddled up next to Shawn. He took off his jacket and gave it to her.

"I get to wear the famous leather jacket."

"You've heard of it."

"Libby Nelson."

"Of course."

"What did you do to her?"

"I let her seduce me."

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"I think she was expecting more of a long-term relationship."

"Hey," Jack called up from the balcony, "You kids can come down now."

"How much of that conversation did you overhear?" Shawn asked as he clambered down the fire escape.

"Relax, I yelled out as soon as I got on the balcony." Jack turned to Angela. "You've gotta be careful around here."

"Believe me, I know."


	4. Chapter 4

Eric's college experience was not exactly going to plan. First his plans to rush a fraternity had failed, then his mother started taking his creative writing class, Rachel down the hall had gotten back together with her boyfriend, and then his roommate started dating a witch. Fortunately, he still had Shawn to run up the Rocky steps with him. After they'd been up enough times to get dirty looks from security guards, then ran down towards the boathouses and rested on the riverbank.

"Man, this isn't going the way I'd planned," Eric announced.

"I thought you wanted to do the Rocky steps?"

"Not this, college."

Shawn looked concerned. "How come?"

"Well for starters, I was expecting to be in a fraternity. Now my mom's in my class and she's writing…" Eric gesticulated for emphasis "… _smut._ "

"Yeah, actually, Jack thinks he can swing her a contract with the romance division at his step-dad's company."

Eric, not paying attention, continued his monologue. "I can't talk to Dad because Cory's jealous that you got a big fancy job and he got fired."

"You think I should talk to Tom for him?"

"Every time I go over there it's 'I was supposed to be the successful one, not Shawn, he's supposed to be the screw-up'" By the way, if Topanga asks, he's still working there."

"I'll talk to Tom. I have to smooth over the Brock account anyway. Hey, what do you think about a computer where the monitor's colored plastic, like sort of decorative?"

"It'll never catch on."

"We should head back, they're coming to install my fax machine at 10:00."

"How much do you want to bet the witch will be there?"

"Eric, she just has a different belief system."

"Yeah, in Satan."

"I mean, it's a belief system. Besides, they do good things. Their Pittsburgh chapter works with inner city kids."

They got up and started running back towards the apartment.

"What do you believe, Shawn?" Eric asked.

"After your death, you will be what you were before your birth."

"That's deep."

"It's a quote from Schopenhauer."

"Should I know who that is?"

"You have a paper due on him next week."

"Aw, man, can you help me with it?"

"Next week's not good for me. I've got a trig midterm Tuesday and a big meeting for the Altrucel account Thursday."

"What's Altrucel do?"

"No idea. The campaign's going to be an arrow hitting a target and a voiceover going 'Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.'"

"What's that from?"

"Schopenhauer."

"Man, I am so screwed."

When they got back to the apartment, Millie and her entire coven appeared to be moving in. After getting into another argument with Jack, Eric decided to go to the library to cool off. He managed to find an English translation of Schopenhauer, _The Bridges of Madison County,_ and a copy of _Witchcraft for Dumb-Dumbs._

Needing advice and a place to stay for the night, Eric drove back home and found Mr. Feeny handing out his Halloween thesauri.

"Mr. Feeny, can I crash at your place tonight?"

Mr. Feeny looked alarmed "No. Why?"

"I had a fight with Jack about his girlfriend. The same old story. Sure you heard it a thousand times. She's a witch, she talks to the devil, and apparently I'm standing between her and the doorway to hell."

Mr. Feeny looked alarmed. "You're definitely not sleeping here."

"I know, but of all the nights to fight. I mean, Halloween! This is the one holiday that's supposed to bring loved ones together."

"Yes, well, I'm sure your friendship is strong enough that you'll endure a little argument."

"Friends aren't supposed to let girls come between them. But Jack has made it perfectly clear that I'm just his roommate. I don't know why I'm letting this bug me."

"Well, if he was just your roommate, you wouldn't be out here talking to me. Now, Eric, just think of some way to get him to hear you."

"You didn't even break a sweat on this one."

"I hate to see people fight on the only holiday that brings loved ones together."

"Merry Halloween, Mr. Feeny."

Determined to fix things with Jack, Eric went back to the apartment. The witches had Shawn and Jack tied up on the balcony, and Millie was holding up a crystal, which shone a beam of light in Jack's face.

Eric gasped "Of course, the alignment of Valaris!" He ran out onto the balcony and stepped into the light beam."

"Hey, can you untie us real quick!" Jack asked urgently.

"He wouldn't know how to save you!" Millie taunted.

"Oh, yeah? Went to the bookstore last night, picked this up." Eric held up _The Bridges of Madison County._

"The Bridges of Madison County?"

"And this," Eric held up the correct book, "Witchcraft For Dumb-Dumbs. Yep, think they mention a counter-spell in here somewhere."

He stepped into the light beam while looking for the counterspell.

"That's impossible!" Millie yelled. "The light beam hit you, and you're alive."

"Yep, SPF 45, plus a little zinc oxide on my bum. Now, everybody out. Satan's children, be gone with you all! Come on!"

Millie went over to Jack, "You're cute."

"You're sweet."

"You'd have been the perfect sacrifice.

"I appreciate that." Millie turned to leave "Hey, Millie, keys."

Millie tossed him the keys "You know, it's a shame you didn't fall for me. It could've been good."

Eric got to work untying Shawn and Jack. "Where would you guys be without me?"

"Don't get too excited," Shawn remonstrated, "they were holding that crystal up for 10 minutes before you got here."

"Well, it's still Halloween," Eric remarked "I'm gonna go find another party. Come on, Jack."

"Eric, wait. Even after all the rotten things I've said to you, you're still gonna invite me to come along?"

"Of course, man. You're my friend."

"Well, I know that now. I'm a pretty lucky guy, man. I'm buying."

"You better! Gotta love Halloween. Really brings people together."


	5. Chapter 5

Apple was Keller-Marsden's biggest client, which meant they needed to keep Shawn onboard. He was able to get Cory rehired, even if only as a janitor, and they took to riding the train in from Cedar Heights together.

"Thanks again for getting my job back," Cory said.

"No problem. Speaking of your job, what exactly did you tell Topanga?"

"How did you know I lied to Topanga?"

"One, I've known you for 11 years. Two, your brother can't keep his mouth shut."

"What exactly did he tell you?"

"You're supposed to be the successful one, and I'm supposed to be the screw-up."

Cory winced. "Um…what I really meant was…"

"Don't worry about it. Believe me, I'm as surprised about this as anyone."

"You're not mad?"

"No, just tell me what you told Topanga."

"Um…I told her you almost got fired for slacking off in the mailroom, and I had to save your job…and that I got hired on as a demographic consultant and they have me working on the Apple Computer account."

"Ok, now I'm a little mad."

"You're not going to tell her, are you?"

"Your secret's safe with me, and Angela and Eric. Not sure about Jack, though."

"Jack's never liked me." Cory complained.

"You guys just got off on the wrong foot. He did have kind of a lot sprung on him at once."

"You think maybe this dinner would be my chance to make a good impression?"

"You can either try to get him to like you or you can have him lie about his younger brother with pathologically low self-esteem being a complete failure at the one thing he's actually good at so you can impress your girlfriend. It's one or the other."

Cory thought for a moment. "I'll try again some other time," he finally responded with a defensive tone. "I think the problem is he just doesn't realize how much we mean to one another."

"Cor."

"Yeah, Shawnie."

"That sounded _really_ gay."

By this point, Cory was growing exasperated. "You know what I meant."

Shawn smiled slightly. "Yeah, I did."


	6. Chapter 6

The meeting with the creative team ran longer than Shawn was expecting, and he was almost late to the dinner. Fortunately, no one else had sat down yet when he got home.

"Hey," Jack looked up from the couch, "your girlfriend's in the bathroom freshening up and your boyfriend's in the kitchen."

Cory rushed out wearing an apron "You're finally here. I was getting worried about the brochettes."

"Oooh, I finally get to have the brochettes."

Jack looked up again, "What's the history with the brochettes?"

"Jennifer Bassett." Shawn responded.

"Was it Jennifer Bassett or Andy?"

"Who's Andy?" Jack asked

"A friend of mine, you've met him."

"Oh, with the earring?"

"No, that's Kenny. By the way," Shawn looked back at Cory, "How's Lionel?"

Topanga rolled her eyes. "Don't get me started on Lionel."

The fax went off right as they sat down to dinner, followed immediately by Shawn's cell phone, which he tried to fob off on Angela before Topanga noticed it.

"Cory, the company gave Shawn a cell phone and a credit card. What did they give you?"

Cory finally broke, and threw his key ring on the table in front of Topanga. "These, they gave me these. I'm a janitor, okay? It's all out in the open now. I hope you're happy."

This led to an awkward conversation in which Cory finally admitted to being jealous of Shawn, who mollified him with a compliment about the cleanliness of the executive bathroom.

Jack thought Cory being jealous of Shawn was a little rich, and decided to change the subject. "So what are everybody's Thanksgiving plans?"

"Dad got leave, so he's visiting us here," Angela volunteered, "what about you, Shawn?"

"I, um, didn't have plans yet."

"Well, what do you guys usually do?" Jack asked.

"Let's see, last year Dad showed up and took me to Denny's, the year before that was the time Cory came over to my place."

"Your parents had the Matthews over for Thanksgiving?" Jack asked.

"We all learned a very important lesson about class differences," Eric said, "at least I think that's what it was about. It might have been the Rwandan genocide."

"I learned never to make a goat angry," Cory volunteered.

"Anyway," Jack tried to get the conversation back on track, "the reason I'm asking is that my Mom called today and she and Dave are going on a cruise, so I was thinking maybe Shawn and I could do Thanksgiving here."

"Ooh…I'll come too," Eric interjected, "It'll be the three of us roommates." He pulled Shawn and Jack under his shoulders.


	7. Chapter 7

Jack probably should have asked Eric if he knew how to cook before accepting his Thanksgiving invitation. Shawn's repertoire ranged from Kraft Easy Mac to Tuna Helper, but didn't quite extend to mashed potatoes or Turkey. Eric's ice sculpture had melted, and all they'd managed to come up with was an Easter basket and a plastic Santa Claus.

Jack stepped back from the counter. "I guess we should have started with something a little simpler than Thanksgiving dinner."

"Yeah," Eric sighed, "like toast."

Shawn pulled a blackened turkey out of the oven, setting off the smoke detector. "Eric, what temperature did you put the turkey in at?" he shouted over the alarm.

"It didn't say on the box, so I just turned the knob all the way!" Eric yelled.

Just then they heard a knock on the door.

"What now?" Jack muttered under his breath. When he opened the door he found the Matthews, plus Topanga, bearing a full turkey dinner. "Come in!"

Alan, holding an apparently bone-free pumpkin pie, walked over to Eric. He must have noticed the look of surprise on Jack's face. "Did you two actually think we believed you could pull this off?"

Eric's sister, Jack thought her name might be Moira, whirled around to put her two cents in "Yeah, you guys couldn't even make _toast."_

The Matthews were, naturally, the kind of people who went around the table every Thanksgiving and announced what they were thankful for. Ordinarily, Jack would have hated this, but this year he actually had an answer ready when his turn came.

"I'm thankful for my brother."

Shawn smiled, much more broadly than he usually did. "I'm stealing his thing."


End file.
